


There's Nothing Left But These 'I Love You's

by cafephan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Breakup, Tw: blood mentions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-13
Updated: 2016-05-13
Packaged: 2018-06-08 05:09:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6840274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cafephan/pseuds/cafephan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which one night leads to disaster, and two lives lead to misery. Can they rekindle what they once had?</p>
            </blockquote>





	There's Nothing Left But These 'I Love You's

_**Mini Fic Playlist:** _[Move On](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d8jJA3g4E5s) / [Love Me Or Leave Me](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCBGmwAe9NE) / [These Four Walls](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CwaZzlSbnCk) /[ Switch Hearts](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SbcpRYk-0K0) / [When You Were Mine](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nvOM83NKiPw) / [Talk Me Down](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lo3lxS-6joY) 

\---------

Dan Howell believed in all manner of things.

Science, aliens, Kanye West being the biggest blessing to the planet, cosy nights in being infinitely better than wild nights out.

But most of all, he believed in his love with Phil Lester, its sincerity, and its reciprocity.

He felt it in every kiss, every hand brush when in public, every exchange of ‘I love you’ in the pitch darkness as they snuggled under the duvet.

He didn’t know where it all went wrong, where t _hey_ went wrong.

It was their weekly date night, and they were getting ready in separate rooms. He could hear Phil’s out of tune singing through the wall as One Direction blasted from the living room, it was all soothing. A routine he had come to love with all his heart, found comfort in it.

So much so that he decided the time was right, and slipped the velvet box into his blazer pocket. They both always made an effort to dress nice, and in the moment he was thankful, he wouldn’t seem suspicious or out of place.

“Are you ready, love?” he called across the hallway.

“One second!” Phil called back, followed by a loud thud.

Upon dashing into Phil’s room, Dan saw him laid on his back, struggling with socks. “I may have fallen off the bed” Phil commented casually, and Dan laughed. He crouched down beside Phil and pressed a kiss to his lips, excited for the night ahead.

He should have noticed when Phil didn’t kiss him back.

The restaurant was busier than usual, the waitress didn’t waste any time in getting their orders. Their routine had stretched to the food they ordered, and Dan was confident enough in ordering for them both now, the waitress commented on how cute Dan and Phil were together.

Dan should have noticed when Phil didn’t respond.

He snuck the ring box onto his lap whilst Phil was in the bathroom, and just the sight of it made him giddy.

When the food arrived, every mouthful furthered his anticipation. He noticed that Phil was fidgety, wriggled around his seat every few minutes, Dan hadn’t seen him like it since 2009. He studied Phil’s expression as they both ate, and Dan deduced that he had to be nervous.

But what would Phil have to be nervous about?

The realisation hit him mid-mouthful, sending his fork clattering onto the porcelain plate as he cupped a hand over his mouth.

_Was Phil going to propose too?_

Phil sent him a look, silently asking if he was okay, and Dan waved off his concern.

They finished their meals in silence, the small smile never quite leaving Dan’s lips.

Before they started dessert, Dan cleared his throat, prompting Phil to put his spoon back down and listen.

“Phil, I need to say something” Dan began, feeling butterflies in the pit of his stomach, but he knew this was the right step for them. They were both ready, sitting on a seven-year healthy relationship, and there was nothing Dan wanted more than to spend the rest of his life with the man sitting opposite him.

“Oh god” Phil’s voice was shaky, and he sat back in his seat. “I need to say something to you too”

But Dan wasn’t going to have his thunder stolen. _He_ was going to propose to _Phil,_ as he had dreamed of doing for years. He wasn’t going to be beaten, he had spent months planning this night. Passing it off as a typical date night when in reality it was the opposite.

“Me first!” Dan insisted, and Phil bit his lip, and shook his head slowly.

“I really don’t think this can wait-“

“Fine. At the same time?” Dan compromised, at least he would get his proposal out one way or the other, even if it wouldn’t be after the romantic dialogue he had mapped out in his head. They were never ones for extensive metaphors and clichés, anyway.

He watched as Phil chewed on his lip, contemplating Dan’s offer.

Around them, happy couples were clinking champagne glasses and feeding each other, families were laughing and joking, and the atmosphere was the most pleasant Dan had witnessed in ages. It was the perfect setting, he had a feeling everyone would be happy for them.

Phil eventually nodded, taking a deep breath.

Dan grinned.

“On the count of three?” Dan asked, and Phil nodded, taking another breath.

They both counted down from three on their fingers, and with every passing second, Dan felt more and more sure of what he was doing, and there was nothing in the world that could ruin their special moment.

_Three._

He watched as Phil crossed his hands on the table. He envisioned the ring on Phil’s finger, how perfectly it would complement his complexion.

 

_Two._

He wrapped his hand around the box on his lap.

_One._

“Marry me?”

“I’m breaking up with you.”

\--

Dan Howell knew all manner of things.

How to tweet relatable things, how to make even the saddest person smile, how to ace any test without studying at all.

But most of all he knew that Phil Lester didn’t like making a fuss, causing a scene. Phil knew that Dan didn’t, either.

“You did it over a dinner in public because you knew I wouldn’t kick up about it” he spoke over the silence in their flat that night, when they stared at each other from opposite ends of the living room.

“I thought it was the best way” Phil replied, looking down at his feet.

“The _best way_ would be for you to talk to me about this so we can work through it” Dan couldn’t disguise the hurt in his voice, nor the tears brimming in his eyes.

“I’m sorry. I’ll be gone by Friday”

Dan slid down the wall once Phil’s door closed, and he heard the lock click. He had never felt more alone.

The ring box tumbled out of his blazer as he cried, and he clutched it to his chest whilst he walked into his bedroom, and climbed into bed alone for the first time in years, hearing complete and utter silence from the room across the hallway.

\--

His days were long since Phil walked out of his life a year and a half ago.

He heard from a mutual friend that Phil now lived in the outskirts of the city in a big house, doing extremely well for himself.

As Dan walked through the now empty flat, a one-way train ticket clutched in his hand, the memories jumped out at him, taunted him.

Over there by the stove is where Dan burned his eggs the first week they moved in, because Phil distracted him with a makeout session.

Over there where the superhero posters used to be was where Phil hit the hammer on his thumb whilst putting up the frames, and Dan ran out to the shop to get plasters, and returned to see Phil curled up on Dan’s bed fast asleep.

Over there where the sofa used to be was where they spent most of their nights, lazy kisses shared over buttered popcorn and reruns of sitcoms, blissfully content in each other’s presence.

He wondered if Phil ever thought about him, ever thought about _them._

He had to know.

The friend sent over Phil’s address with the addition of ‘hope you two work things out!’ and Dan slipped his phone and the train ticket into his pocket before locking the door to the flat for the last time, leaving the happiest times of his life in the vacant rooms behind it.

Dan felt the same bout of anticipation in his stomach as he did on the night that ruined it all, but this time it was gut-wrenching instead of heart-racing.

He had nothing to lose. He was leaving later in the day, never to come back as the recurring nightmares he had nightly weren’t helped by the fact he slept in the room where Phil once slept too. Where Phil once slept beside him.

This was his last-ditch attempt. He had no idea what he would do, just turning up on Phil’s doorstep with nothing prepared probably wasn’t the most thought out idea.

But he had to know if there was a chance for them at all, a chance to rekindle what they so foolishly lost - Phil never gave a reason why.

Phil could have a new life, for all Dan knew, they hadn’t been in contact since. But it was now the day before their old anniversary, and the timing was so bittersweet. It was the only day Dan could book a seat on the train.

The lashing rain plastered Dan’s curls to his forehead as he ran towards Phil’s street, uncaring that his legs threatened to buckle beneath him, and he felt like he was going to throw up the contents of his past four meals.

All he cared about was that Phil was close to him, and Dan had to know if there was a chance. If Phil turned him away, then Phil would never see him again. He had to know. He deserved to know.

\--

Dan Howell noticed all manner of things.

The subtle looks of affection his parents sent each other across the dinner table at Christmas, the blushing of his friend when she gushed about her new boyfriend, the bright headlights of a speeding car, the amber brake-lights initiated a second too soon.

He didn’t notice the teary blue-eyed man behind the wheel, dabbing at his eyes furiously as he drove, losing control temporarily as _their_ song played through the radio.

\--

Phil Lester believed in all manner of things.

Lions being the superior animal, Buffy The Vampire Slayer being the ultimate television show, pancakes being the best thing to happen to the world.

But most of all, he believed that if you loved something, or some _one_ , then you fought for them.

He knew he made a mistake, he’d spent a year regretting it, living in remorse, too scared of rejection to try and make contact with Dan again.

He heard from a mutual friend that Dan was moving, leaving London, never to return again.

Life would never send him a clearer sign, he thought. He had to fight for Dan, fight for _them,_ whatever chance they had left.

He spent the past year and a half in regret, but also in deep thought. He distracted himself with work, anything that would temporarily take his mind off the brunet man he still loved so dearly but let down.

He didn’t know why he did it.

He seldom heard anything about Dan, he had kept himself to himself. But tomorrow would mark their old anniversary, and Dan leaving the day before may as well be Dan waving goodbye to everything they once were.

He had every reason to, Phil knew, but he cursed his mother for telling him _‘if you love something, let it go’._ It ruined his life.

It happened in a blur, one second he was crying over the phone to his friend who told him that Dan was leaving, and the next he was turning the car keys in the ignition and speeding out of the garage.

The lamplight was as dull as Phil felt, he had felt nothing but dull and numb since the night he ruined it all.

Phil believed in love, and he knew that he had it, the real, true thing. He knew that he would do anything to rekindle what they had, a last-ditch attempt to win Dan back in any way he could, before he walked out of Phil’s life forever.

The darkness was unforgiving on Phil’s sadness, and he sighed as he turned on the radio as a way to drown out the screaming silence. _Their_ song began to play, and Phil found himself turning it up to a high volume.

He could only see Dan’s face as Phil said he wanted to break up, he had never seen the other man so hurt and defeated, a shell of himself. Phil felt tears slip down his cheeks as he slammed his foot on the accelerator and zoomed down his street, in the direction of the flat he missed with all his heart, and the person he loved with his entirety.

\--

Phil Lester noticed all manner of things.

The loving glances couples in the streets sent each other over interlocked hands, the wistful kisses they shared when they thought nobody could see in the queue for the cinema, the aching in the pit of his stomach whenever he woke up with nobody beside him, the aching for Dan.

He should have noticed the figure dashing across the pavement towards his street in the pouring rain, he should have recognised through his streaming tears the face now pressed against his windscreen, blood mixing with the winter rain.


End file.
